


The Alien Whisperer

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Crack, Orgy, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-29
Updated: 2007-01-29
Packaged: 2018-12-26 18:05:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12064245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: THIS FIC FUCKIN HAS IT ALL!!!!!!  We've got walruses, and aliens, and blue ducks.  Plus a whole lot of Brian and Justin!!!!!!  Words alone cannot describe the wonderfulness of this fic!!!!  You must simply read for the genius that lies within.





	The Alien Whisperer

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: So Smev and I were bored, and came up with this to pass the time. Ummm. . . we're not sure what to say about it. So yeah STOP READING THIS AND READ THE FIC.  
Thanks,  
The goat spankers  


* * *

Chapter One - The Shit Shoveler  
  
  
Justin was shoveling walrus shit… Again. As a zookeeper at the Pittsburgh Zoo of Awesome Animals, it was always his favorite part of the day. From a very young age, Justin knew what he wanted to do with his life. Well... okay, really, he wanted to be an artist, but Justin was a bit of a pushover. 

Justin remembered, how his father Craig Taylor, world famous walrus shit shoveler, had sat him down one day for a manly father-son chat. Craig had said, in his most mannish and father-like voice, "Justin, I know you want to be an artist, and you could probably get into a very good art school. Your work is exceptional. I mean it's really amazing. The way you draw those naked men, with the rough muscular frames, nice firm asses, and their long hard-"

"Um… Dad, you're talking about men as if you might be gay, again."

"Huh? Oh! Golly, Justin, of course I'm not gay! Where would you get a crazy idea like that from?! No, no, what I was trying to say, before I was so rudely interrupted, is that I know you are good at art. However, as your father, I reserve the right to just not care and insist on you being the next to follow the family tradition of becoming a walrus shit shoveler, or zookeeper, as we are more commonly known."

Justin wanted to argue, he wanted to yell, and he wanted to cry… HE KNEW HIS FATHER WAS GAY!!! Honestly, how stupid did his dad think he was?

"But dad, I really think-"

 "I know art means a lot to you Justin,” Craig interrupted, “But like I said, it's walrus shit, or you're in deep shit, see?"

At this point, Justin knew better than to disagree with his world famous walrus shit shoveler dad. He'd just have to point out the obvious later. Instead, he turned to his father and replied, "Of course father. I would never want to be in deep shit. That shit stinks, like fasho!!!"

So, Justin became the best walrus shit shoveler he could possibly be, and found that he actually enjoyed looking after each and every walrus at the Pittsburgh zoo of Awesome Animals very much. One walrus in particular was his favorite. Smev, the walrus, was an extraordinary walrus indeed.

Smev was the only hermaphrodite walrus in the whole of the USA, and Justin loved her/him... no, not in that way, you perv. 

Smev was his favorite, not only because he/she had the largest and bushiest moustache, but also, because Justin suspected that he/she had some sort of magical powers. Now, Justin was always taught that there was no such thing as magic, but he didn't think there could be any other explanation for Smev's MASSIVE dick. See, Justin was gay, yes we said gay. 

Justin blamed his father for his taste in men, but never voiced his opinion. Of course, his father knew he was gay. Justin had told him. This thought caused Justin to have another random flashback, so he stood with his eyes glazed over and his mouth open, drooling slightly, in the walrus enclosure, for a little while, as he remembered what had happened a few years previously.

Right before Justin was to leave for his shit shoveling training, he decided that he needed a manly father-son chat of his own, so he sat his father down and spoke to him.

"Father, I've been keeping a deep dark secret from you."

"Justin, don't worry, you don't have to take the blame for your mother’s disappearing panties. I know you didn't do it. I have no idea who did," Craig responded with shifty eyes. "I mean I didn't do it or anything. No definitely not. What would I want with panties? Especially pink thongs with lace. I mean really I-"

"Father no. Stop. This isn't about the panties.” Justin paused and took a deep breath. “Father… I'm gay." Justin wasn't sure what to expect next. He was nervous about his father's reaction, but knew he owed it to the man to be honest. Secretly, Justin hoped that maybe his coming out would be a push in the right direction for Craig, and he could finally admit his true feelings.

"Yes. Ok Justin, but I'M not gay, see?"

Justin wasn't sure what to say to that. He decided to go ahead and let his father continue with his bizarre charade.

"Father I never said you were gay. I'm saying that I’m gay."

"Then be gay Justin. I'M NOT GAY THOUGH!!!! I'M NOT, I SWEAR, OKAY?"  
Justin noticed the vein on his father's forehead starting to pulse and get bigger and bigger. He decided to calm the situation before his father’s head exploded or something, because he knew that he’d be stuck clearing up the brain mush and blood that would inevitably splatter all over the place.

"Um… Ok Dad."

And that was that. Justin was gay, and his father was ABSOLUTELY NOT.   
However, now we’re way off track with the story, BACK TO THE HERMAPHRODITE WALRUS DICK!!!

Being such a size queen, Justin had immediately noticed the abnormally large member that Smev, the walrus hermaphrodite, had, and being the lonely gay man he was, Justin immediately befriended Smev. Soon, Justin and Smev were BFF’s, and they even had bracelets made to commemorate their friendship (Smev ate hers/his). Justin felt like he could tell Smev anything and he/she would understand. 

They were both odd balls amongst their own, which made their relationship even stronger. Everyday, Justin would come to work and greet Smev with a massive hug. Justin would then go about his duties, which of course didn't ONLY consist of shoveling shit, and once he was finished, he would go sit next to Smev, and they would talk until the day was done. 

Justin found that over all the shit he shoveled, he enjoyed shoveling Smev's shit most of all. They truly had a bond that could never be broken. Well, that's what Justin thought, until one day, one single event, plus one unbelievably handsome man with a BIG HAIRY MAN DICK changed everything.  
  
It was a day like any other day. Justin arrived at work, greeted Smev, and began his daily routine of shoveling the stinky walrus shit. However, when he turned around to empty his shovel of shit into the trashcan, he saw Smev rushing toward him. Justin was used to this type of behavior from Smev, so he smiled and opened his arms, ready for a hug. What Justin didn't realize, was that Smev did not have the most innocent of intentions. Oh no! Smev was restless, and ready for some hot, horny, humpy action. 

Being a hermaphrodite walrus wasn't easy. Smev was never sure who to mate with. None of the male walruses would ever come up and try to hump Smev, and all the female walruses would rush away when Smev came near. The pent up sexual frustration was REALLY getting to Smev. He/she deserved a little lovin' too. There was only one person in the world that ever allowed Smev close, and that was Justin. So as the sexual frustration built, Smev began to see Justin in a different light. 

Sure, Justin didn't have tusks, and the amount of blubber he had was laughable, but he had a really nice ass, and that was all Smev cared about. Smev loved that phat ass of Justin's, and as he/she saw Justin bending over to scoop some shit, Smev couldn't take it anymore. He/she rushed forward, big erect walrus dick aimed at Justin, and before the blond knew what was happening, Smev was on top of his slender body, humping frantically.

Justin wasn't sure what to do. At first, he wasn't even really sure what was going on, but as soon as he felt that big walrus dick up against his ass he started to panic. By all means, he liked to admire Smev's member from a distance, but to have it rubbing up against him? This was going too far! A terrible realization began to dawn on Justin. He was going to be raped… by a hermaphrodite walrus! Smev even KNEW he wasn't into bestiality!!! This was definitely NOT in his job description!!!

"Help! Somebody who is gay sexy and extremely well endowed please help me!" Justin cried out, hoping that someone would hear his useless whining. He knew that the likelihood of rescue was almost impossible, though. Honestly, who liked looking at the walruses anyways? No one ever ever ever ever ever came to the walrus exhibit, dude like NEVER. 

Justin was about to give up all hope of ever being saved from the crazed humpings of Smev, when out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a smexy bloke speeding toward the walrus enclosure. Where had he come from? Justin didn't know, and he didn't care. All he cared about was keeping the walrus dick out of his ass, and someone helping him to do so. “ _Holy Jesus in purple polka-dot panties_ ,' Justin thought. ' _Someone is coming to save me!_ ”

"Smexy bloke, please help me!!!" Justin shouted, waving his arms, and inadvertently turning Smev on even more. Justin glanced apprehensively up at the man, in between the vigorous walrus humping, and as he stared dreamily in to the man’s warm eyes, time seemed to stop. Justin couldn't believe what he was seeing. 

The man was a total God. 

He was fucking beautiful! 

His auburn hair was perfectly styled. His hazel eyes were piercing. It had to be fate! This was the perfect guy to finally lure his father out of the closet. With this revelation, Justin was determined that he would at last be able to live his life, and become the artist he always wanted to be. Because, of course, that was sure to happen if he could just get his father to admit his feelings. Any sensible person could see that. Yes, all would be well in Justin’s life. Well, as long as the man hurried the fuck up and got his wonderfully shaped ass into the enclosure. 

Right as Justin was thinking this, the mysterious man jumped over the railing, and with his super human strength pulled Justin out from under the fat-filled blob of a walrus that was Smev. With that, he hauled Justin over the railing, along with himself, and held him in a tight embrace.

"Don't worry. I've got you,” the smexy bloke whispered in Justin’s cute little seashell ear. He then turned back to Smev, his tone of voice changing completely and yelled, “Fuck off walrus!" Smev, fearing the exceptionally hot stranger, wandered off to find something else to hump. Justin was relieved and overjoyed all at once. This man was his hero. This man had saved his life! Justin didn't know how he could ever repay him.

"Oh, gee, golly, you saved my life! I don't know how I could ever repay you!" Justin exclaimed.

"Well," the man said, tongue in cheek, because he'd had an operation to put it there permanently because he was Brian Kinney, and Brian Kinney always had his tongue in his cheek, "Why don't we fuck?"

Justin's eyes widened, "That's a great idea!!! Let's go back to your place and completely disregard that I have a job!!!" Although this didn’t really fit in with Justin’s original plan, he just couldn’t pass up the offer of sex with a stranger. Especially one that was so fucking smexy. Justin owed the man his life, and if the man wanted sex instead, that was just a small price to pay. Hopefully, if everything went well, Justin would be able to mention something about his creepy father to the man later. 

Justin waved goodbye to the jealous-looking Smev, before jumping in to Brian's arms and allowing the older man to carry him across the walrus shit, that the walruses had projectile shitted out of the enclosure. They quickly made their way to the jeep-corvette (the best car ever) and Brian placed Justin in the passenger seat. As Justin sat in the car, there were many questions circling around his mind. 

What was Brian doing there? Why was it automatically understood that Justin knew Brian's name now? What the hell were the authors of this fic smoking? Why the fuck was it called 'The Alien Whisperer' when there were no aliens in sight, only walruses? Brian held the answer to all of these ingenious questions, and knew, that all in good time, the answers would be revealed. But, for now, his pouty, soft, cherry, gorgeous lips were sealed.  



End file.
